maybe, for the last months i’ve spent, i get one thing. the thing that make me know myself better. yeah, something that sometimes make me mentally exhausted. and the bad thing is i have to face it on my own. i think nobody can help me.
i just realized that i’m always worrying too much.
i remember just a year ago, when pmb2007 was held, a friend of mine who became ‘taplok’ give me a quiz about personality. the result will be plegmatic, choleris, melancolic, or sanguinis. it is said that everybody has two from those four.
my result is i am a melancholic plegmatic, with the domination of melancholic.
my friend said that a melancholic person always think about anything detailly. not like the other type, this person will think about it so deep, as deep as the deepest sea in the world (seems too much, huh?)
that result reminds me about how i spent my time these last years. in my 2nd grade senior high school, i have a chance to manage an organization and those time will be one of the most-difficult-periods in my life. that was my first time. i always say to my self that i have to be perfect in this duty. and i got through that with smiles and cries.
and then, in my first year in ITB, deep down inside my head, i am worrying about my chance to go to civil engineering. that time, i have the fact my GPA score (or IP) is not as high as i expected. i compared myself with another people around me who has better GPA score. it was so stressfull. so many pressure, especially from my mom who really want me to be civil engineer (not ocean engineer). and because of that, i was sick.
there are the other examples of my life that shows me how worry i am in every second of my life. and it become worst recently…
i’m think about it.
why am i so worry?
why am i always think that anything not going in the right way?
why am i always blame myself in something?
why am i always think that i never make something right?
so many question!
and here it goes the answers.
1. i am a melancholic person
2. i always think to comfort another person first than me.
3. i always think about what my friends think about me.
4. i always want to be perfect for persons i love.
it doesn’t mean that i don’t have to do those things… but i did it too much. i think they take control of me, take control of my feeling, and maybe.. someday they will ruin my life. my happiness will be taken slowly… they will chew my soul…
it is absolutely clear that i need help. i really need help.
and i don’t know what to do…
sometimes i hate myself, but it can’t be helped, huh? i can’t do that… i have to love myself, with the good and bad things i have.
i really need help and i still don’t know what to do…
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